Thanksgiving

It's almost Thanksgiving and my Dad is doing so well.  He is eating more and even walking a little bit with the walker, gait belt and my help.  It is such a joy to see how far he has come in such a short period of time.  Since I have been home, he has requested:  Goulash, seafood salad, pot roast, fish fry, salmon and too many other things I don't even remember!  It is all homemade with the exception of the fish fry -- you have to go out on a Friday night and get some.  It's one of the best things I like about Upstate New York.  It's not a Friday night without a fish fry!

Speaking of Thanksgiving, my sister, her husband, my niece Jessica and her two daughters will be here.  I'm going to make all homemade dinner with the Turkey:  Stuffing, bread, mashed potatoes with gravy, cranberry relish, green bean casserole, apple and pumpkin pies!  I enjoy cooking for my family and it is such a treat to be able to do so.  It's a lot of work and preparation; however, it is for my family and after being on the road for 12+ hours, I want them to sit at the table and eat -- not have to worry about cooking.

I hope everyone out there has a great day with their family and friends and you don't forget what the day means.   Be grateful in everything and to everything give praise, glory and honor to Jesus!

Happy Birthday

I'm edging closer to the 50 mile marker -- yikes!  When did this happen?  Why did this happen -- can't we just turn back the clock?  I have been told that I look around 15 years younger than I am.  That is good news but it doesn't help the fact that in two more years I will turn 50!  And, this happens in 2012.  I just knew there was going to be a disaster in that year.  There has to be if I'm turning 50 -- see there is a connection! 

Yo Mama's Care -- Not Obama Care

I am now officially the Family caregiver!  Yes, that means, "me!"  This isn't going to be Obama Care and I pray it never will be!  Instead, I choose to think of it as "Yo Mama's Care.  Is it going to be about how you  would treat your mother and/or father -- not universally, but personally.  Are you going to make a way for one or both of your parents in your life or home if it comes down to that instead of sending them to a nursing facility or a "home?"  Is it the kind of "home" that you want to be placed when you get older?  I certainly don't want to be put in a nursing home when I get older so I am planting good seeds that will bring forth a good harvest.  On a positive note -- I don't have any kids that will "send me" to a home.

I do have a few trepidations.  I have never taken care of another person as intimately as I will need to do for my father.  To transfer him in and out of the bed and his lift chair, dress and undress him, take him to the bathroom and clean up after him, change his Depends, wash him, give him his medicine, feed him, etc.  Am I going to be able to do all of this?  My sister was a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) so she has had a lot of training with older people and with people that are not able to walk or take care of themselves.  One of my gifts is hospitality but I'm not sure if this will be pushing the envelope in what I can actually do. 

Ironic.  Funny.  Twenty-four years ago at this exact same time, I was moving to Texas and not sure what was going to happen.  Now I'm going full circle and moving back to New York -- at least for an undetermined amount of time. 

I arrived on July 4th to hot weather.  Remember I lived in Dallas for 24 years so I know a little bit about "hot" weather!  What is it doing reaching almost 100 degrees in New York?  I don't remember it being this hot when I lived here and I emphatically declare, "I did not bring it with me!"   I was hoping to be greeted with a little bit more open arms and cooler temperatures.  Well, at least my sister was glad to see me since she had to go back to Tennessee in less than a week.  I will have a few days with her to get caught up and for her to teach me how to transfer, bathe, and feed Ensure through the G Tube in his stomach.



 

Goodbye Girl

"Let me tell you goodbye  doesn't mean forever ...."  That's funny, it reminds me of a song and a movie!

Elevate Life Church has meant so much to me for the past 5 1/2 years that I was a member and servant leader.  In my opinion, there is no better group of people that love the Lord and the people!  Many people's lives have been transformed out of alcoholism, drugs, sex, etc.  Whatever your vice is and we ALL have them, it is a great place to THINK, BE and DO.  Our life is a journey and it is up to us to lead ourselves so that we can lead others.  It never ends and if we don't get it right the first time, God has a way of taking us around the track and it is up to us to stop and decide we no longer want to keep going around that merry go round.

When I made my decision to move back home to take care of my father, I spoke with Gwyn Armendariz (or armed and dangerous!) who is on staff at this wonderful church.  I served with her and the fabulous, do-it-all-never-stop Glenda Miner who is Pastor Sheila's personal assistant under the women's ministry.  I wanted to treat them to lunch and tell her of my decision to step down from the SHINE ministry where I was the captain.  To make a long story short, her husband told her ahead of time so she already knew when we met for lunch.  When she and Gwyn arrived, she said she was expecting someone else to join us.  I asked, "who else is going to be joining us?"  She said, "Pastor Sheila" (i.e. Pastor Precious!).  I knew at that time she knew what I was going to tell her!  We ended up having a wonderful lunch and spent about 1 1/2 - 2 hours together.  I was so blessed to have Pastor Sheila join us.  When she found out I was leaving, she wanted to join us for lunch and be able to love on me a little bit.  I am so thankful for the time I had there to serve with ALL the wonderful ladies in my SHINE team and the wonderful people on staff at Elevate Life Church. 

It is certainly not easy saying "bye" to friends and not knowing when you will be back and see them again.  If you know that you are headed in the right direction and your steps are ordered by the Lord, you also know that everything will be all right. 

On the last night at my home, it had been raining almost non-stop.  When I woke up that morning to put the rest of my stuff in the car, it was pouring down.  The rain resembled what I was feeling inside -- all torn up, empty and crying.  I knew if I started crying out loud, I would not be able to stop.  What kept me going was the fact that I had a 12 hour drive for the day and since I wear contacts, I wanted to be able to see while I was driving and not have them all tear stained! 

Pastor Ray Harmon called me after I had been on the road for about six hours and that was when I finally broke down.  There was some part of me that wondered what I was moving away from and the covering that I would no longer have with this church and what my future held.  Every day all we can do is walk by faith and do what we have been called to do.  Never think that what "little" you might do is insignificant because it isn't!  I always told my SHINE team that when we are together, especially for Girls Night In, you never know what anyone is going through and to be gracious to them (talk, smile, love on them) because you can make a difference.  Who knows what a kind word or smile can do for someone?  It can be the turning point in their life to bring about a positive change and direction.

"If you elevate your thinking, you will elevate your life."  Keith Craft

SHINE Ministry:  Spiritual Hands Inspiring and Nurturing Eternity

The Preparation Process

WOW!  Right now means, "Way Over Worked!"  What have I got myself into?  Do I really know what is all involved in caring for my Dad?  What about all the preparation and money that it will take for me to get there?  Again, so many questions and things to do -- where do I start???  The JOB (Just Over Broke) what is going to happen to that?  How am I going to pay for everything and have income coming in? 

Despite all the questions and uncertainty of what is about to happen, I do have peace in the decision I made.  Why?  How?  You Serious?  Do you know what you are doing?  Look at the economy.  If you don't have a job, what are you going to do?  What about the life you have developed in Texas?  Your friends?  Your church?

If you read my other blog Crossroads, I talked about "faith."  It is an extremely important part of my Christian walk and whom I believe and trust in.  To others it may appear that I am making a wrong decision; however, I knew in my heart that it was God that was sending me into a new season in my life.  One that I would never have chosen, yet one that I know I was meant to do.

Now the planning starts.  What do I do first?  How do I do it?  Do I have to do it by myself?  Who will help me?  How will I get it all done in time?  And how do I stop being pulled in all directions with my family?  And most importantly, what about the money??  Yeah, don't I wish it grew on a tree!

In order to start the process, I have to have "my house" in order.  That literally means giving away, packing for storage, and throwing away the non-essentials that no one else would want. As I go through my 3 bedroom 2 bath 2 car garage, I truly begin to understand how much I have and how much I really shouldn't have.  Does that make sense?  There are items that I never used, some I used a little, and some that I will never, ever use.  Why did I purchase all this "stuff?"  And why do I have so much that I have to have 100+ boxes in order to keep it all?  I have had to repent over and over because I feel it is too much for one person to have. Guilt and condemnation is washing over me.  Which of these will win?

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I need my home to represent a great appearance on both the inside and the outside.  There goes my yellow, turquoise, green, red, and pink colors I had painted 5 1/2 years ago.  It needs to become more modern and appeal to everyone.  I think a neutral color of a light shade chocolate brown in every room will do.  How soon will I be able to get the guys to paint?  How long will it take?  Can they start now?  I have become somewhat impatient to my friend and co-worker, Phil DiPinto.  He is trying his best to work around my schedule and the guys schedule so they can keep painting if jobs come in on their end AND I can get my house painted so I can get it rented.
 
It seems all I'm doing is packing and buying more boxes and plastic containers and bubble wrap.  Just when I think I have enough, I find that I don't.  That means back to the store -- my weekends are getting very busy and my evenings are all booked up with packing.  I am doing my best to get to New York so that my sister will be able to go back home and not lose her job.  She was able to take a month off for a Leave of Absence.  Not something I can do working for a small company.  I had offered them ways in which I could still do the work from a remote location but that was not an option with them.

Faith.  I absolutely need you now.  Do I continue on my course of where God was leading me without a JOB?  Wisdom.  Time to meet with an elder who is so much wiser than I am to give me counsel.  Linda Marrone is the BEST!  She went through everything I gave to her and she tried to think of a third option.  Sometimes there is no Plan C -- only A & B.  She asked me where my peace was before all this other stuff happened and I said, "to move and be with my father."  That is where I need to go back to -- not what is happening in the moment but to where I knew I needed to be.  Sometimes other things will come at you to attempt to sidetrack you into going back to what you were doing when you instead need to chart a new course and move ahead! 

Where would I be without my family of choice?  When push comes to shove, it just shows you who you can count on in a time of crisis.  If it wasn't for Sherry Stroope, Lisa Spurgin, Connie Baeumel and Jandra Wright, I'm not so sure I would have gotten everything packed up in time!  Especially my neighbor and good friend Sherry!  At the end when I had so much to pack, she was over nearly every day helping me.  Even after I moved, I still had stuff in my garage she moved out and put my trash out.  All these girls really helped me get er done!  And Tori Shields, she saved me hours of clean up time -- she and her Mom paid for a housekeeper to come and clean my house!  Now that was a blessing!

When it was moving time, a few of the Mighty Men from the church, which was headed up by Jonathan Cook, took everything out of my house, loaded it on a truck and put it in storage.  They made two trips and pretty much got everything done in about 3 hours.  Kudos also to David Romo and Keith Kratochvil.

There have been several times that I felt like crying because I was so overwhelmed and didn't know how I was going to get everything done.  (Maybe I did once or twice).  Should I try to sell some things first and put the rest in storage?  How would I get everything sold?  Do I have to drag everything outside and hold an Estate Sale?  Should I have people come into my house and walk through it?  I was still working full-time and packing things up in the evening and trying to get it all done.

Once you start working on something that is going to change your whole life, there is so much involved that sometimes family and friends don't understand.  To me there was so much uncertainty and questions.  Should I put everything in storage or bring it with me?  How long will I be gone?  Yes, I'm going to rent out my house and my intention is to move back to Texas.  There were too many "buts" and I couldn't let the but this and but that get in the way.  And, my sister only had 30 days that she could take off from work.  I wanted to wait until the end of July before moving so that meant her waiting until the beginning of July to get Dad out of the nursing home.  That would mean I would have a better chance to having my house rented and a contract signed before I left.  I wanted an order to things.  Let's face it -- many times that just does not happen!

I understand the concern that Darlene had.  We both felt that he wouldn't last much longer in the nursing home.  He didn't have the will to live in that environment.  He wasn't reading or watching TV let alone eating, walking, going to the bathroom or dressing himself.  He was depressed.  He was crying.  He wasn't enjoying life.  He wanted to be home!

Crossroads

I continued to go back and forth to the hospital every morning and night for nearly two weeks.  In the evening, my Mom and I would arrive about 6pm to help him eat his dinner.  I was really impressed when I went up on a Sunday and they made hot blueberry pancakes right out of the oven!  It smelled so good and he ate the whole thing and drank all of his milk!  Despite this, most of the time he only had 3-4 mouthfuls of food and drank some of his milk.  He is a coffee drinker and he would barely touch his coffee! 

There was no longer a physical therapist helping him with his range of motion because he wasn't progressing and they took him off the program.  Without this and not getting enough exercise or trying to get in and out of bed by himself, I didn't know how he was going to be able to go home.  The fact of the matter was he wouldn't be released until he had a caregiver 24/7. 

My sister and I talked about what we could do.  She and her husband were willing to have both my Mom and Dad come and live with them and they would take care of my Dad.  I talked with my Dad about this 3-4 different times and he wouldn't give me an answer.  He said he couldn't "think like he used to."  I told him there is nothing wrong with your mind, you are as sharp as ever!  I had several "Come to Jesus'" talks with him about what he wanted and how we could fulfill his wishes.  He wanted to go "home."  Home is where he has lived for 55+ years.  I told him he couldn't go home without someone being there 24/7.  My sister couldn't leave her husband and 2 grown daughters who had 2 little girls each and be away from them.  We didn't know how long he would be in this position and it wouldn't be right for her.  Me?  I had a home in Texas where I lived now for 24 years -- just surpassed by 1 year living in Texas rather than New York.  I also had my Elevate Life Church in Frisco, Texas that I loved and was a servant leader in a few areas.  They were my family of choice for the last 5 1/2 years and I didn't want to be uprooted.  In addition, what about my job?  Yes, I worked from home but would they allow me to continue what I do from home in another location?

There were so many questions and obstacles and I had so little answers as to what I needed to do.

When my sister and her husband were up for the weekend, they were able to get my Dad out for a day visit from the hospital and bring him home.  I decided that I could do that, too, if I could get my brother to help him out of the car and bring him in the house as we didn't have a ramp at that time.  We did it on two separate occassions and he LOVED it!  It felt good to him being home in his lift chair and look out the window on his property.  He was able to relax and just soak up the sun!  When it came to the end of the day and we had to take him home, Duane wheeled him into his room and got him into bed.  My Dad started crying and I left my brother alone with him to see if they would talk.  That didn't happen -- my brother walked out and he was crying, too.

My time was drawing close to having to go back to D/FW and I still didn't have any closure with my father and I just left him alone at the nursing home crying.  It was tearing me up inside.

The next morning I arrived back there by 7am and when I stepped in the door, he was crying!  He had been crying for I don't know how long and so I stayed by his side and talked with him.  I tried to get him to open up about what he was feeling.  After talking with him for probably 35-40 minutes, he finally said, "I don't want to move to Tennessee."  I said, "Dad, you don't have to move to Tennessee.  We have been trying to figure out a way to get you out of the nursing home and that was our best option.  You would be with family that love and care for you.  You would see your 4 great grandaughters.  We thought that would give you a chance to get to know them and spend time with them." 

He didn't stop crying and this went on for another hour.  I had never seen my father so depressed and helpless.  I knew there were other things bothering him so I continued talking with him and asking him.  He said, "I'm worried about your Mother."  I told him, "Dad, you don't have to worry about Mom.  We have already talked about that and she will go live with Darlene and Steve when the time is right."  Still there was more ... a daughter can tell ... "Will you write me once in a while?  Jimmy calls and I can't hear him."  I said, "Yes, Dad, of course I will write to you.!" as I was bawling like a baby trying to choke out this statement. 

Do you know what a defining moment is?  It's when something happens and you know something has to change and you will look back to it in the future and know exactly when it happened, where you were and what was said.  Everyone can remember 911.  This was a defining moment for me.  To see my Dad as depressed as he was and crying for hours on end.  I hated the place he was in.  Don't get me wrong -- the women who took care of him were wonderful to him.  However, there wasn't enough of them and they couldn't give him one-on-one care.  Sometimes it was an hour before they got to him after he hit the call button.  He might have messed his pants or couldn't get up or was cold.  Whatever it was, he had to wait until someone could come and assist him. The place was filled with senior citizens that didn't have anyone come and visit them.  They were put in their wheelchairs and left there for hours on end.  Some of them were at that same spot hunched over when I left and when I came back 4+ hours later.  I could not leave my father in that place.  If I did, he would not live.










 

Dad in Skilled Nursing Unit

Dad was finally transferred to Schuyler County Skilled Nursing Unit in mid-May after being in Rochester Strong Memorial Hospital for three months.  From there, we were looking at him doing rehabilitation so that he could eat, walk and talk again.  I know that some people, family members included, weren't sure that he was going to be able to do any of this because of his age.  However, I had faith (much prayer and believing that God would heal and restore him) that he was going to be better than he was before the surgery.  I really thought once he got closer to home he would start improving.  He was nearing the finish line and he would be able to see it and build his strength up again so that he could go home and be with Mom. 

My sister, Darlene, and her husband, Steve, were on their way for a quick weekend trip to see Dad a couple weeks after he got transferred.  They live around the Knoxville, TN area so it is a straight 12 hour trip to where my parents live.  While they were driving, they received a call from my Aunt Dot saying it was the worst she had ever seen him look and she didn't think he would make it through the night.  My sister called me and gave me that information and we were both crying.  We didn't know what the real situation was and it was a week before the Memorial weekend and I had plane tickets to be out there for a few days.  They still had an eight hour trip ahead of them.  What do you do in that situation?  I prayed and I cried and I prayed some more and asked my sister for her wisdom.  In the end, I decided that I needed to change my tickets to go up earlier and come back the original time. 

I called Delta Airlines and was on the phone with them for probably 45 minutes as they worked with me and gathered all my information.  You have to be prepared and have the name of the doctor, hospital and their address, etc.  They will waive the change fee to your ticket (one way only); however, you have to pay the difference in the new cost of the fare from your old ticket.  In my case that was $450.00 more.  My original ticket was $350.00 and I had to cough up $450.00 more.  It wasn't like I had the money to do this but I knew it was something I had to do.  How can you place a value on the fact that this might be your last chance to see your Dad alive and say your bye's?  Notice I didn't say "goodbye" because I will see him again in Heaven as he has trusted in Jesus Christ as his personal savior. 

If any of you have ever been in this situation and have worried about keeping your job and how is your employergoing to react, you are not alone.  I called my boss and told him what I was going to do and he wasn't happy -- I'll leave it at that.  I was fortunate to be working for a company where I had my own home office setup.  So, I brought everything with me and worked from New York for about a week.  Is it easy when you are going through the ups and downs emotionally and trying to make every area of your life work?  Of course not!  Is it doable?  Yes, it is! 

I would get up at 5:00 am, shower and check my emails and do a little bit of work before I headed to the hospital.  And the hospital was only 5 miles away so it didn't take but 10 minutes to get there. I would arrive by 6:45am and stay until 8:30 am and head back to my parent's house.  During that time, I encouraged and helped my Dad eat breakfast.  I was lucky if I would be able to get him to eat 4-5 spoonfuls of food before he would push it away.  It was very discouraging.  Then I noticed that he was getting the same thing every day!  Who wants the same thing every day -- especially if it is toast and cereal.  Where are the eggs, sausage, biscuits & gravy, etc.?  That was when I talked to the nurse and asked that he get a variety of food.  They started to do that yet he still wouldn't take more than a few bites.

Dad in ICU

My Dad did end up having surgery at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, New York.  And wouldn't you know it but that Friday when surgery was to take place and I was to fly up, it was one of the worst snowstorms the northeast had ever had!  They were cancelling flights left and right and when I called Delta Air Lines, they said my flight hadn't been cancelled.  I told them that it hadn't yet but they were cancelling all the flights and so I asked to be rescheduled.  They did grant my request but it ended up being five days later!  I appreciate everything that they did for me in trying to rearrange my flight -- I know that was a very busy time for them and the customer service rep that was on the phone was very gracious!

It ended up being a very emotional seven days.  I got up every morning at 5am and left the house by 6am to make the 1 1/2 hour trip to Rochester to spend the good portion of the day with my Dad in ICU.  I was very fortunate that I could do my work in that room as they had wifi and a corner area that could seat 3-4 family members.  I would end up leaving around 4pm to make the 1 1/2 hour trip back to my parent's house.  When I got back there, I would have about 3 more hours work to do so I would do that and spend as much time with my Mom as I could. 

My "me" time was during the drive to and from Rochester.  It is one of the most beautiful drives by the lake off of Route 14 passing the different wineries.  What a time to reflect and admire the beauty of the region --- one that I took for granted when I lived there and didn't take the time to explore.  Sometimes you don't tend to appreciate something until you are no longer around it and/or it's gone. 

When it was time to leave and go back to Dallas, I was so torn.  I wanted to stay longer.  Here my Dad was 90 miles away from home and I didn't want him spending time by himself and not have any family members around to see him.  My brother Jimmy ended up staying for a couple of months so there was always a family member there every day. 

Is There A Problem?

Now that Christmas in July has passed and I have had time to reflect on my major life changes this past year, I am starting to settle into my new life and the direction it has taken or should I say more accurately, the direction that God has lead me.  I don't want to get you sidetracked so let's start at the beginning -- no, not Genesis, but the beginning of this year, 2010.

My Dad is 93 years young and my Mom is 85.  Okay, I know they are getting older, aren't we all?  However, I don't think we (okay, maybe me) necessarily like to face facts and make decisions on what  we (I) are/is going to do if "this thing" happens.  We tend to ignore it or think that maybe it won't happen.  They have done so well up to this point, why don't they continue living like they are?  Besides, my life is going well and do you mean I have to change what I am doing?

As I was saying in my first paragraph, this all started at the end of last year when my Dad wasn't able to hold down any food he was eating.  After Christmas he was continuing to get weaker and weaker.  I know that it's not nice to say or think but when you live over 1,500 miles away and you aren't able to do anything or help out, this tends to fall on the family member that lives the closest.  In this case, it happened to be my brother, Duane.  He took over my Mom & Dad's property almost 25 years ago and has been the rock ever since. 

So it was Duane and his girlfriend, Rachel, that ended up taking Dad to the hospital and seeing what was going on.  Sure enough he had a hiatal hernia that was pushing his stomach up to his chest and he had a hard time breathing and he couldn't hold anything down.  Can you say, "surgery" because that was the only alternative -- there were no other choices.