Crossroads

I continued to go back and forth to the hospital every morning and night for nearly two weeks.  In the evening, my Mom and I would arrive about 6pm to help him eat his dinner.  I was really impressed when I went up on a Sunday and they made hot blueberry pancakes right out of the oven!  It smelled so good and he ate the whole thing and drank all of his milk!  Despite this, most of the time he only had 3-4 mouthfuls of food and drank some of his milk.  He is a coffee drinker and he would barely touch his coffee! 

There was no longer a physical therapist helping him with his range of motion because he wasn't progressing and they took him off the program.  Without this and not getting enough exercise or trying to get in and out of bed by himself, I didn't know how he was going to be able to go home.  The fact of the matter was he wouldn't be released until he had a caregiver 24/7. 

My sister and I talked about what we could do.  She and her husband were willing to have both my Mom and Dad come and live with them and they would take care of my Dad.  I talked with my Dad about this 3-4 different times and he wouldn't give me an answer.  He said he couldn't "think like he used to."  I told him there is nothing wrong with your mind, you are as sharp as ever!  I had several "Come to Jesus'" talks with him about what he wanted and how we could fulfill his wishes.  He wanted to go "home."  Home is where he has lived for 55+ years.  I told him he couldn't go home without someone being there 24/7.  My sister couldn't leave her husband and 2 grown daughters who had 2 little girls each and be away from them.  We didn't know how long he would be in this position and it wouldn't be right for her.  Me?  I had a home in Texas where I lived now for 24 years -- just surpassed by 1 year living in Texas rather than New York.  I also had my Elevate Life Church in Frisco, Texas that I loved and was a servant leader in a few areas.  They were my family of choice for the last 5 1/2 years and I didn't want to be uprooted.  In addition, what about my job?  Yes, I worked from home but would they allow me to continue what I do from home in another location?

There were so many questions and obstacles and I had so little answers as to what I needed to do.

When my sister and her husband were up for the weekend, they were able to get my Dad out for a day visit from the hospital and bring him home.  I decided that I could do that, too, if I could get my brother to help him out of the car and bring him in the house as we didn't have a ramp at that time.  We did it on two separate occassions and he LOVED it!  It felt good to him being home in his lift chair and look out the window on his property.  He was able to relax and just soak up the sun!  When it came to the end of the day and we had to take him home, Duane wheeled him into his room and got him into bed.  My Dad started crying and I left my brother alone with him to see if they would talk.  That didn't happen -- my brother walked out and he was crying, too.

My time was drawing close to having to go back to D/FW and I still didn't have any closure with my father and I just left him alone at the nursing home crying.  It was tearing me up inside.

The next morning I arrived back there by 7am and when I stepped in the door, he was crying!  He had been crying for I don't know how long and so I stayed by his side and talked with him.  I tried to get him to open up about what he was feeling.  After talking with him for probably 35-40 minutes, he finally said, "I don't want to move to Tennessee."  I said, "Dad, you don't have to move to Tennessee.  We have been trying to figure out a way to get you out of the nursing home and that was our best option.  You would be with family that love and care for you.  You would see your 4 great grandaughters.  We thought that would give you a chance to get to know them and spend time with them." 

He didn't stop crying and this went on for another hour.  I had never seen my father so depressed and helpless.  I knew there were other things bothering him so I continued talking with him and asking him.  He said, "I'm worried about your Mother."  I told him, "Dad, you don't have to worry about Mom.  We have already talked about that and she will go live with Darlene and Steve when the time is right."  Still there was more ... a daughter can tell ... "Will you write me once in a while?  Jimmy calls and I can't hear him."  I said, "Yes, Dad, of course I will write to you.!" as I was bawling like a baby trying to choke out this statement. 

Do you know what a defining moment is?  It's when something happens and you know something has to change and you will look back to it in the future and know exactly when it happened, where you were and what was said.  Everyone can remember 911.  This was a defining moment for me.  To see my Dad as depressed as he was and crying for hours on end.  I hated the place he was in.  Don't get me wrong -- the women who took care of him were wonderful to him.  However, there wasn't enough of them and they couldn't give him one-on-one care.  Sometimes it was an hour before they got to him after he hit the call button.  He might have messed his pants or couldn't get up or was cold.  Whatever it was, he had to wait until someone could come and assist him. The place was filled with senior citizens that didn't have anyone come and visit them.  They were put in their wheelchairs and left there for hours on end.  Some of them were at that same spot hunched over when I left and when I came back 4+ hours later.  I could not leave my father in that place.  If I did, he would not live.